Rules for Halloween

1. If you can add the word Slutty in front of the costume and you think it could be hot..... Don't let your teenage daughter wear it. ie. Nurse costume.... Slutty nurse costume.

2. It is still cheating if you hook up with someone who is wearing the same mask as your wife.

3. Girls, remember, if you dress as a slutty anything, guys will expect you to be true to your costume.

4. Guys, remember, your friends may think it's awesome you dressed up as the scary bloody monstor. But the slutty school girl isn't going to want to hook up with her nightmare. Girls, remember, guys will hook up with anything you decide to wear.

5. Don't hand out pennies instead of candy. Your house will be the first one TPed later that night!

6. If you leave your candy on your porch with a note that says "Please just take one" understand that the 1st non-chaperoned kid is going to dump it in his bag.

7. If your kid is less then 1 year old stop trying to make me give you candy. I know its for you, you 30 year old cheap @ss bastard.

8. Raisins may be natures candy.... But don't give it out on Halloween.

9. For those who refuse to celebrate Halloween because it is a"witches" holiday, remember, no one thinks of that until you bring it up. For everyone else it's a time for kids to get free candy!

Break up lines

We all know the old stand by that everyone says when your breaking up with someone... "It's not you, It's me." Well that has been played out. Below I will be providing everyone with new lines to chose from. Enjoy.



1. It's you. Not me. (Sometimes honesty is the best policy)

2. We don't have to break up but I'm gonna be sleeping with some other women.

3. I took a long hard look at my future and , sorry, you weren't there.

4. I'm a Star Wars guy. Your a Star Trek Girl. It just won't work out.

5. When we started dating I thought I was a butt guy. Now I figured out I'm a boob man. I'm sorry.

6. This is going to hurt me more then it's going to hurt you. (If it works for spanking why not for breaking up?)

7. We are just headed in different directions. I'm going down the path to success and well.... your going down the one less traveled.

8. We just aren't in the same league as each other. You seem to know everything and I don't.

9. Look, I'm not breaking up with you. I'm just going to be a little busy until the next time I get horny. I'll call you then.

10. I want to test the theory of "If you let something go free and it comes back then it's true love"

11. Honey, the economy is in bad shape. I'm going to have to let you go.

12. I want to take our relationship to the next level. 3 somes!

13. Breaking up is the best thing for both of us. You will soon move on. I have.

14. With time you will start to move on. I "moved on" last Saturday and 2 times on Sunday.

15. Your a very good girl. Sadly, I was looking for a bad one.

16. I feel like I need to sow some wild oats. I can call you when I'm done if you like.



and for the Egocentric



17. I really don't want to waste your time anymore. You should be out looking for someone that's not as good as me.

Things Porn teaches

After doing some research *cough cough* I have decided to teach all of you... my adoring public... what things I have learned from watching porn. I provide this as a public service announcement so that others won't have to suffer through the hours upon hours of watching porn to learn these vital life realities.


1. Women love to clean in the nude

2. Women love to wear high heels while cleaning... in the nude.

3. Most women sit at home in lingerie and a robe waiting on the plumber, TV repair man, or pizza delivery guy to arrive. As a side note plumbers arent fat with crack showing and the pizza guy is never an acne faced 17 year old working a part time job.

4. The best position for sex is standing up doggie style with the girls leg contorted up onto a counter top.

5. Most women NEVER wear bras or panties.

6. Nurses believe that sponge baths and sex are a cure all.... and it seems to work.




7. Police officers do way more strip searches then I thought. and they are very thorough! Cavity search... seriously!



8. Sex on the beach is a pleasant experience. Sand is never an issue.

9. All of your friends mothers are hot and horny. Just take them.

10. When you run out of cash, offering sex is always an option.

11. Womens Prisons are the place to be! I can't understand why more guys don't want to be the security guard there.

and finally

12. There is NEVER a wet spot nor the need to "clean up" or shower afterwards.

and for those of you wondering, I kept this PG. Most of my good stuff was in the rated R category but I decided to keep those thoughts to myself. *pats self on back for being a good guy*

Ways to make your marriage better

Since yesterday was my wedding anniversary to Bitches I have decided that this Public Service Announcement should be to help others achieve the happiness we have. Here are a hand full of tips for you husbands out there to help show your love to your wonderful wives.

1. Buy your woman lingerie in a smaller size then she wears. "Oh, Honey, I seriously thought you were a size 2. You look so good!"

2. Turn the TV to ESPN CLASSICS. Watch for a few minutes and then turn to your wife and tell her she is more important then the game and turn the TV off. She will love this and you won't miss a game since the Classics station only shows past games from years ago. Win - Win.

3. "Bake your wife a cake." Take time off of work to go home and surprise her by "baking" a cake. Just remember to throw away the bakery container and mess up the cake some. You can't have it looking like you just bought it from the bakery.

4. When your wife is doing a chore such as the dishes wait for her to walk away from it for whatever reason. Then step in and finish it for her. You get the credit for doing the chore and usually only have 1 or 2 dishes left anyway.

5. Offer to take your wife shopping at the mall one night. "Honey, you know what, you've had a hard day. Let's go shopping for awhile to cheer you up." But remember, Don't offer this until 8:00 at night. By the time she gets ready and you get to the mall it will be pert near closing time.

6. Tell your wife that she looks just like a hot actress such as Jennifer Aniston. She will feel good about herself and the next time that you say Jennifer Aniston is hot you can play off off by saying "She looks so much like you honey." (side note fellas, pick a girl that at least looks kinda like your wife).

7. When you think you may be busted looking at a hot girl, make a disgusting face and remark "I can't believe someone would go out wearing a skirt like that. That's just wrong." Make sure to do this BEFORE your wife makes any other comments. If the girl is very young then you can add "What does she think her parents would say?"


Certain things to remember. Study these. Learn them. Live them. These are fast answers to basic questions.

1. "Does this make me look fat?" you reply - "Only with a PH baby." now, see what I did here? Most guys would just answer no, it doesn't make you look fat. But girls know about that. So by changing it up a little and saying only with a PH you throw them off their game. For those not in the know PHAT means hot. It is pronounced FAT. Watch some MTV People.

2. "Hows dinner taste?" you reply - "Oh, you did a great job with dinner tonight honey." Don't question this. If you tell her it wasn't good then you are somehow attacking her skills in the kitchen. If you ever want to eat again suck it up for a night and remember that you've eaten worse for bets.

3. "Do I need to go on a diet?" you reply - "For what?" Making sure to give a quizzical look as if she is just insane for thinking that. Now if she answers back "Because I'm getting fat!" Then see the reply for question #1

4. "Is she prettier then me?" you reply - "Who?" you obviously don't know who she is talking about because no one compares to her. Once your wife points out who she is talking about the answer is always "Are you serious honey? No way."

Strip Club Rules

After a long break I have decided that I must provide some additional guidance to the public. Without my knowledge many people would be left in the dark and I wouldnt want that. So here is another Public Service announcement from Mr. Bitches.

Rules for a strip club.



1. Always wear a hat. Girls on the stage really like playing with hats.


2. Don't take an ATM card with you. When the blood stops flowing to the big head you stop caring about how much your little head is spending.


3. If there is sex in the champagne room... remember, you weren't the first one to pop the cork.


4. Don't lie to your wife about it. Invite her, you never know. She may have more fun then you do.


5. When out at the strip club remember, you can look at the menu but you better dine at home.


6. When you start to believe that the girl is actually interested in you..... LEAVE.


7. Tip $5 the first time. For the extra $4 she gets, the girl will keep coming back to you instead of your friend.


8. Don't ask for change. They really don't like that. "Hey, um, I'm going to throw this $10 on the stage and take back 9 ones okay?"


9.Once you have left the strip club get control of yourself and no, your wife will not pick up your dollar bill without her hands. (your lucky if you don't get slapped for asking)


10. Sliding your credit card down a girls butt cheeks will certainly get you thrown out.


11. Ask for the Charlie Sheen Special


12. Always keep your hands to yourself, just not in your lap. that's gross. you are in public.


13. Don't try and save money at the "early Bird special" Obviously that's not where the real talent is.

and lastly....

14. when you go to the strip club and you see that bitch you hated from high school dancing, proceed directly to the stage, drop down your money and say "I can't WAIT for my class reunion!" Come on. you know I would have to show Miley on a blog about stripping.