Thursday, June 28, 2012

Movie Love

Movies make romance and sex so wonderful. They other day we pointed the ways to have sex that look great in the movies but really doesn't hold up well in real life.  Well today we are going the opposite direction.  Today's top 10 is the best movie sex scene that actually is great in the real world to!

Let's get rolling because the sooner we read this... the sooner we can try some out!

10. The Couch.  Yes it is such a basic place.  Everyone has one in their home.  But the couch is like a big sex toy.  Want romance, lay together on the couch and slowly "make love".  Watching a movie?   Spoon together and enjoy both the movie and your partner.  Want some fast and furious hot and now sex?  Grab your partner and bend her over the arm or back of the couch.  Any position you want any level of heat you want.  The Couch.  Yea Boy.

9. In a Boat. - Floating on the water out in the open but no one can see you, sun beating down or especially a beautiful sunset.  Being on a boat is a great experience.  A little rocking with the waves never hurts either.

8. On the Hood of a Car.  Now this is about passion.  There is not slow and romantic here.  There is no "love making" going on. The hood of the car is made perfectly for those time when you just have to have each other.  The height of the hood is ideal for doggie style and who could resist that urge.

7. In your Office.  Talk about Taboo.  Everyone has thought of it.  A tete-a-tete  between you and your significant other during your lunch hour or AFTER HOURS in the place you work.  Not quite as awesome if you only have a cubical but in your office is wonderful.  If you have a couch in there you get an even better experience!

6. Nice Hotel Sex.  No motels here.  Going to an upper class hotel with a beautiful bed, huge windows, and a nice rice feeling is a great stress reliever.  Add to that romantic sex and you really can do something about that stress you have.  The Nice Hotel is the perfect place to have romantic sex and recharge your relationship.  Add another level by ordering chocolate covered strawberries from room service.

5. A Quickie at any party.  People all around dancing and drinking.  Having a great time.  You look across the room and find your partner talking to people.  You dance a little, you touch and go a little.  Finally you both just have to have it.  You rush to the bathroom and lock the door.  There you have a hot passionate quickie on the bathroom sink.  People outside the door knocking but you don't care.  You have to finish this now!  Then once you're both finished you clean up and walk out right in front of all those people standing in line.  They look at you with such jealousy wishing they were the ones in the bathroom doing what you just did.  Not only did you have great instant sex, you also turned on every other person at the party and made them wish they had your sex life.  you are their hero!

4. Kitchen Table/Counter. - another spur of the moment location.  Waiting for the water to boil, just take her right there.  Throw her up on the counter or bend her over the table.  Either way will lead to an explosion bigger than you have had in years.

3. Camping out in the wilderness.  What better thing to do in the wilderness or tent than have sex.  We all come from nature and we all have a base animal inside of us.  We were bred to have sex in the wild.  We are animals.  At times we need to get back to our animal instincts and go beast outdoors.  

2. On the Balcony.  Ever take a cruise and get a balcony?  Hotel room have a balcony?  Even your own home may have one.  A Balcony is place that lends it'self well to either romance or heat.  The wind blowing, out in public but usually not where people can see you.  Let your imagination run on the balcony and you will stumble away much happier.

1. The top place?  It is also the most boring place to many.  But the Bed!  Tried and true.  Anything and everything goes on the bed.  Any position works, any level of intensity works.  you can certainly get in a rut on the bed but with a little imagination you can always find something different do to.  Like being tied up? That's why there are bed posts.  Like sweet sweet smooth sex?  A bed is big and soft.  Like to roll around, stand up, doggie style, fall off the edge..... You name it, the bed can handle it.

That's it for today.  Now go home, grab a willing partner and get working on making your own movie quality sex!  Your wife or husband will thank you for it.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Top 10 worst places to have sex, but TV makes seem great!

LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!  Sex in the movies looks so grand.  A couple is so turned on that they just grab each other and without hesitation go at it like rabbits.  No matter the location or whats going on around them to world stops and earth shattering sex is had.  To bad the real world isn't so nice.  Rug burn happens, banging your head on a rock happens, clean up happens.  So today we are running down the top 10 movie sex scenes that are not as glorious in real life.

10. Port-a-potties/concerts - Yes, sex in public can be hot.  Being so turned on that you have to have it at a concert can be REALLY hot.  But the port-a-potties of real life are NASTY, GROSS, and no one wants to touch anything in them.  Let alone scrump around in it.

9. The Airplane Bathroom - Joining the mile high club is a dream for most people.  How great is it to say you were 25000 feet in the air and had great sex?  It's a list people just have to be on.  A list they are willing to risk getting arrested for.  But is it a risk you are willing to try to have sex in the worlds smallest bathroom?  We all remember Chevy Chase having the blue leg after he tried it.

8. Hardwood Stairs - Many a movie makes it to the stairs but the couple are so hot they just can't wait the extra 8 seconds to go up them to get to the bedroom. So they lay right there and go at it on the stairs.  Doggie style works well.  So that is not part of the list.  However, ask anyone who is on bottom how it feels to have hardwood stairs hitting you in multiple places while you are trying to enjoy the pelasure of the hot sex.  Talk about a turn off.  It won't take long before that person is begging.... Begging you to stop.

7. Prison - There's only 1 type of sex that ever happens in prison.... and it's not the type most guys want.  Girls in prison are neither hot nor just aching to have sex through the bars.  For the guys.... If you try this you will most certainly become someone's little bitch.

6. Any Rocky Location - See Hardwood Stairs.  Rocks are not fun. They hurt. They scratch and they cut.  By the way, I don't mean the good type of hurt like a spanking brings.

5. A Rope Swing. Think of how hard it is for 1 person to get in and out of the rope swing.  An arm falling through the opening, a leg getting twisted in ropes.  While they can be comfortable when you just laying still, movement can cause quite the problem.  Now add another body to the mix and lots of movement.  Arms flailing about, legs intertwined together.  A penis hanging out....  Add all of this up and you have the makings of a Marx Brothers comedy, not the makings of hot passionate lovemaking.  

4. Ocean (really any body of water) - Guys, for you it will be fun.  A lot of fun.  But stop for a minute and ask any girl what forcing sandy salt water into her vagina does for her.....  not a pretty picture.  Salt water dries up the natural juices and is very unpleasant for the girl.  So for guys this may be a good place but for the women... Think again.

3. Small Cars -  cramps are not fun during sex.

2. Bathtub - one of the most "go to"  movie scenes for romantic sex.  The candles, the bubble bath, the hot water.  It looks so wonderful.  How could any couple not take advantage of that bath tub they own to re enact this beautiful experience?  Well, the normal bathtub is a lot shorter than the normal person and they aren't wide enough for 2 people.  Then don't even get me started on a metal faucet hitting you while your trying to pump away.

1. The Beach.  One of the most iconic scenes in movies comes from the Beach.  But think about all that sand.  Have you ever gone to the beach  just for fun and afterwards you are really pissed at all the sand you brought home with you?  Sand has a magenetic like way of getting into every nook and crany on your body. Just imagine the places it goes when your having sex.  Just like the ocean water, what do you think sand does to a woman when it gets inside her?  Not fun!

*note - all sex can be great.  These just don't end up as nice as in the movies.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Ninja Gnome ready to attack.  He had to stand ninja silent for awhile before the "prey" would come to him.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Ninja Gnome after battle

He saved us from the tornado that hit this weekend!  He has mad Skillz.

Tales of a Ninja Gnome

Tales of a Ninja Gnome

It was a dark and stormy night.  The rain had been pounding for hours causing the flood waters to rise to the edge of the compound.  The wind was picking up and blowing harder and harder as the storm drove on.  Ninja Gnome knew he was in for the fight of his life but as the protector of this parcel of land he also knew it was his duty to ensure its safety.  Tonight, he knew, was not a night for normal ninja tactics.  It was not a night for silent movements, hiding in shadows, or deadly throwing stars.  No, tonight he would face the enemy head on, out in the open, ninja vs he toughest beast he had yet to face.  Ninja against the tornado. 

The reports were coming in faster now.  The tornado was moving in towards his region.  Towards the family he loved so dearly.  Ninja gnome decided it was time for him to come out of the shadows and begin.  From out of the Gardanias he stepped.  Only his hands and heart as weapons tonight.  He inhaled a deep smell of the white fragrant blooms so that he would always keep in mind what he was truly fighting for.  And so it began.  From 1 street over the tornado could be seen in the sky, coming down to touch the ground mere yards from him.  He threw his hands in the air and with a loud bellowing voice declared “You shall not pass” (ok, I know that was corny but it I had to you is it!).  Driving his powerful thighs into the ground he launched himself into the heart of the beast.  The beast pushed its wind towards Ninja Gnome, driving the rain into his face so he could not see.  If he was a normal man he would have feared for his life.  But, He is not a normal man.  Throwing his hand out he grasped the tornado by the edge and to on loookers it seemed as if the beast was getting the better of him.  For several moments no one could see where Ninja Gnome had been thrown.  We all knew it was over for him and he had lost….. But then, a glimpse of his khaki uniform and soft battle cry could be heard, the tornado was faltering.  It looked as though it was unsure of its next move.  It was no longer heading in a straight path to the yard, it was, well, it was, turning.  Not in a smooth way as tornados often do but in a jerk.  As if some force had grabbed ahold of it and was forcing it to go against its will.  It wanted to stay straight but it couldn’t.  It jerked a little left, then back straight, then further left, a little further, a little further.  At this point those watching swore they heard a painful cry come out of the tornado, as if it had finally felt pain unlike anything before.   As the cry subsided all could see that the tornado had given up.  If it had shoulders, they would be shrugging.  If it had a tail, it would be between its legs.  Like the Devil that went down to Georgia, The Beast knew that he had been beat. 

We all gave a shout.  Cheered the Ninja Gnome’s successful victory but quickly the happiness died down.  Where was Ninja Gnome?  No one saw him.  He had not landed safely back at his garden.   For long moments it seemed as if he had given his life to save us all.  Provided us with the biggest sacrifice anyone could give.  Tears started flowing slowly from each of us. I personally fell to me knees.  1 hand holding my up on the ground.  To everyone else Ninja Gnome was their protector, he was the one they called on when they were scared.  But to me…. He was my friend.  After a long search we all knew the inevitable had happened.  I had lost my protector, my friend.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Ways to know your wife is cheating - or looking to.

1. In twitter she only refers to you by your first initial to save space... but she always writes out the other guys name fully. example: "S is here today. But GIOVANI will be here tomorrow."

2. All of your mutual pictures have been taken off of facebook and replaced but what looks like a bunch of photos she took for you know the poses I'm talking about.
3. Her 10 year old collection of granny panties has been replaced by sexy thongs and boy shorts
4. Girls night out goes from being once every couple months to every couple of nights. 5. Her work pants all of a sudden become work skirts and her 2 inch heels seem to have grow to 4 inches.

6. When she gets a call, her usual "phone voice" is replaced with a flirtatious laughing voice instead.

7. Her work sends her out of town.... For the first time in the 20 years she has worked there. .

8. She spends an hour putting on makeup and "getting ready" to run to "walmart" to pick up a couple of things. Especially bad if she comes home and says "They were out of what I needed"

9. Her close friends all seem to snicker and look away when you walk in the room.

10. You come home to find another guy in your bed. Yup, that would do it.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Things you never want your roomate to say to you

We have all had roommates at some point in our life (well, most of us at least). Here is a list of things that you would hope to never have your roommate say to you.

Here's your underwear back. I ran out the other day.

Would you mind coming in the bathroom and checking this out for me?

Is it a problem if your mom sleeps over tonight?

Did you know your sister has a tatoo on her butt cheek?

Where is my sperm sample? I can't find it in the fridge.

I've been thinking about experimenting with my sexuality.

Rent? What rent?

Spaghetti noodle strainer? I thought that was a.... uh. Never mind.

Your toothbrush is the red one? Really?

and the top thing you don't want to hear your roomate say to you.....

Do you mind if I snuggle in bed with you... It's cold tonight.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Rocky Road Sex

you know your having great sex when........

You have a set of rechargable batteries as backup to your first set of rechargable batteries... Just in case.
Your embarrased to explain to the officer what REALLY caused you to run off the road.
The neighborhood watch group knocks on your door to make sure everything is okay.
Someone asks you about the toy chest in your house and you don't have kids.
When you bought your bed, sturdiness was the biggest factor.... Having posts for the handcuffs was a close second.
You have book marked.... On your cell phone.
Your wife has book marked.... On her cell phone.
Your safe word is Blueberry pancakes. Your reading this and you know what the hell a safe word is.
You've ever had an injury while having sex.
Your wife can't wear short skirts becuase of her calloused knees.
You know that having sex burns off roughly 65 calories per half hour.
Your wife is embarrased when you have to take the computer in to get worked on.
Ride'em cowgirl has a whole different meaning for you.
You have a knot on the top of your head, and are proud of it.

How Christmas and Prostitution are alike

1. At Christmas you suck on candy canes. Hookers suck on......

2. Santa Clause is always saying Ho Ho Ho. Prostitutes are refered to as Hos.

3. Santa mostly works at night. Prostitutes mostly work at night.

4. Santa is always trying to hide from people seeing him. Hookers are always trying to hide so the cops don't see them.

5. Santa does 1% of the work (eleves make the toys) but gets the majority of the accolades. Pimps do 1% of the work but get the majority of the money.

6. Santa has to crack the whip on his reindeer to produce flight. Pimps have to crack the whip on their hos to produce profit.

7. Santa keeps a list of all the boys and girls. Madams keep a list of their boys (clients) and girls.

8. You should tip Santa with milk and cookies. You should tip your friendly neighborhood hookers.

9. After Christmas there is a lot of cleaning up to do. After being with a hooker there is a lot of "cleaning up" to do.

10. Days after Christmas you are already wanting more. Days after the prostitute you are already wanting more.

11. Many of the presents you get for Christmas you dont want days later. Any "gifts" you get from the hookers, you dont want days later.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Desperate Dating

This is a reprint of another sites article.

7 Signs of a Desperate Dater

We've all seen it before. The crazy, overeager smile. That "please love me" tone. Desperation isn't pretty, and if you're the one feeling slightly under pressure it can be hard to know the difference between reasonable pro-activity and sad, demeaning behavior. We've cooked up this short guide to help you keep yourself in check.
by eHarmony Staff

Desperate Daters are ALWAYS available.You really liked him. The first date was terrific and he hasn't called in four days, so you're a little bit worried that he isn't as enthusiastic as you are. Holy smokes! The phone rings, it's him and he says, "What are you doing right now? Wanna grab some dinner?" "YES. YES. YES. COME PICK ME UP!"That's what you're thinking, but what does it say about you that a 6:20 pm phone call is plenty of notice for a 6:30 pm dinner date. "Well," you might say, "I'm an adult, and not into games, so why should I pretend to be busy?" And you're right, dating isn't a game - it's a dance. You're teaching this new person how you like to dance by the treatment you accept. If you want to be completely honest with the caller you could say, "I don't accept dinner dates 10 minutes before dinner," but the kinder, less aggressive way to teach this person that you have too much of a life to be available at the drop of a hat is to say, "I'm busy tonight, but let's set something up for this weekend." If you choose to answer this call and say, "Sure, I'm free. Let's go to dinner," it isn't the end of the world. For the caller, however, it is impossible not to take note of your availability. You're starting to establish the pattern of desperation.Desperate Daters are clingy.It's a basic human behavior. The things that we believe to be abundant get less attention. The things we believe to be scarce and valuable get lots of attention. It makes lots of sense in the jungle, but focusing your attention like a laser beam on a potential relationship partner can spell doom.Desperate daters are scared that they are going to be dumped. They believe there are few good candidates out there, and if they lose this person…they will be crushed!So they hold on tightly. They ask a lot of prying questions, "What did you do last night? Who was there?" They stay as close as possible under the assumption that being nearby can prevent their prize from escaping. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. Southern Rockers 38 Special had it just right, "Hold on loosely, but don't let go. If you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control."Desperate Daters need constant relationship status updates.It's not uncommon for a 5-year-old to climb into the car for a long trip and ask the driver 15 minutes later, "Are we there yet? How many more miles?" There are many grown men and women who act the same way with their romantic relationships. These relationship conversations (we like the term "State of the Union" conversations) can come over and over as the desperate partner seeks for some handle they can use to sooth their fear of being abandoned. "What are we? What are we doing? Are we insert next life hurdle here?"Not sure of what's going on, some will play along, trying to give the fearful partner a sense of comfort and ease. It sometimes works - for awhile. More often the desperate party's constant need for reassurance leaves the exhausted partner heading for the door. Desperate Daters fish for compliments.Desperate daters need outside encouragement at every turn. They are so desperate to feel good about themselves that they become masters of creating compliments out of thin air. Self-deprecation is the most common tool.DD: "Wow. I feel so fat."You: "What are you talking about? You look great."DD: "Oh REALLY! Thanks so much.For the less subtle set there's the direct question, "What do you think of my jeans?"… "Do you like my hair?"… "Am I as pretty as Angelina Jolie?" Or the move where he/she walks in the room strikes a pose and says, "Well?" -- confident that you're not going to say, "You look ridiculous," and waiting for you to shower praise and affection all over them.This brand of desperation is simply exhausting. Lest you think you can say enough kind things to eventually create a self-assured person, beware. True desperation is a tough hole to patch. Desperate Daters Drop Their Friends.If you NEED a relationship, then nothing is going to stand in the way, right? Certainly not the friends who love you and will probably forgive you for dumping them. So goes the logic of the desperate mind. The problem is that dating a person who puts their entire life on hold for you…is creepy. "I know I usually go to Las Vegas with my friends for March Madness but I just want to be with you." It can be a lot of pressure being the center of someone's universe, and you start to wonder about key traits - like loyalty and dependability - that can have a big impact on whether you choose to pursue a long term relationship someone. Desperate Daters Drop Their Standards.Books have been written on the topic of "settling." What is settling? When to settle? And a quick perusal of the eHarmony Advice community shows volumes of thought and debate on the topic. Clearly, it is possible to want too much from a date or a mate. Downshifting from some overblown list of traits and accomplishments is a wise decision. But we all have an internal sense of what we can attract in the marketplace of life. Dry spells come and go, but life has taught us the kinds of people we can successfully date. Water seeks its own level. In addition, most people have spent some time thinking about the traits that are important to them -- honesty, stability, curiosity, good work ethic, respectful, etc. These traits become the short list of what you MUST HAVE from a partner to be with them.The desperate dater is too driven by fear to pay attention to this inner voice. They start to toss these requirements overboard one by one. They believe that their best years are behind them, and that the only way to be in a relationship is to settle for less. Much less. Desperate Daters Rationalize Bad Treatment.Continuing with our theme of song lyrics, here's one from Nashville songstress Pam Tillis called, Cleopatra, The Queen of Denial. "I knew he didn't have any moneyYeah that's why he couldn't buy me a ringOh and just because he bought himself a brand new pickup truckReally didn't prove anythingAnd he never had to say he loved meI could see it every time he smiledJust call me Cleopatra everybody, 'cause I'm the Queen of Denial"When you are desperate for love you'll take a lot of gruff. In fact, you often don't even notice the poor treatment because acknowledging that you're being treated badly is the first step down the road to walking away. If you've ever made excuses to your friends for the way your significant other treats you, it's time to take a long hard look at your relationship and priorities. Are you so desperate to be with a person that you'll allow them to treat you like an old shoe?So in conclusion, if we imagine a person who is the opposite of the one described above we have someone who is:
Not always available -- has a busy life and can make time with a little notice.
Not Clingy -- comfortable with some space in the relationship.
Comfortable without constant relationship updates - likes to let things progress naturally.
Secure without artificial compliments.
Going to continue to make their friends an important priority.
Continuing to maintain reasonable standards for their dates.
Not going to tolerate poor treatment in a relationship.
The irony is that while the person we've just described seems like a harder person to date - higher standards, more rules, less available - they are infinitely more likely to end up in a great relationship than the poor desperate soul who is willing to do double-backflips just to be with someone.Read more:

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Rules for Halloween

1. If you can add the word Slutty in front of the costume and you think it could be hot..... Don't let your teenage daughter wear it. ie. Nurse costume.... Slutty nurse costume.

2. It is still cheating if you hook up with someone who is wearing the same mask as your wife.

3. Girls, remember, if you dress as a slutty anything, guys will expect you to be true to your costume.

4. Guys, remember, your friends may think it's awesome you dressed up as the scary bloody monstor. But the slutty school girl isn't going to want to hook up with her nightmare. Girls, remember, guys will hook up with anything you decide to wear.

5. Don't hand out pennies instead of candy. Your house will be the first one TPed later that night!

6. If you leave your candy on your porch with a note that says "Please just take one" understand that the 1st non-chaperoned kid is going to dump it in his bag.

7. If your kid is less then 1 year old stop trying to make me give you candy. I know its for you, you 30 year old cheap @ss bastard.

8. Raisins may be natures candy.... But don't give it out on Halloween.

9. For those who refuse to celebrate Halloween because it is a"witches" holiday, remember, no one thinks of that until you bring it up. For everyone else it's a time for kids to get free candy!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Break up lines

We all know the old stand by that everyone says when your breaking up with someone... "It's not you, It's me." Well that has been played out. Below I will be providing everyone with new lines to chose from. Enjoy.

1. It's you. Not me. (Sometimes honesty is the best policy)

2. We don't have to break up but I'm gonna be sleeping with some other women.

3. I took a long hard look at my future and , sorry, you weren't there.

4. I'm a Star Wars guy. Your a Star Trek Girl. It just won't work out.

5. When we started dating I thought I was a butt guy. Now I figured out I'm a boob man. I'm sorry.

6. This is going to hurt me more then it's going to hurt you. (If it works for spanking why not for breaking up?)

7. We are just headed in different directions. I'm going down the path to success and well.... your going down the one less traveled.

8. We just aren't in the same league as each other. You seem to know everything and I don't.

9. Look, I'm not breaking up with you. I'm just going to be a little busy until the next time I get horny. I'll call you then.

10. I want to test the theory of "If you let something go free and it comes back then it's true love"

11. Honey, the economy is in bad shape. I'm going to have to let you go.

12. I want to take our relationship to the next level. 3 somes!

13. Breaking up is the best thing for both of us. You will soon move on. I have.

14. With time you will start to move on. I "moved on" last Saturday and 2 times on Sunday.

15. Your a very good girl. Sadly, I was looking for a bad one.

16. I feel like I need to sow some wild oats. I can call you when I'm done if you like.

and for the Egocentric

17. I really don't want to waste your time anymore. You should be out looking for someone that's not as good as me.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Things Porn teaches

After doing some research *cough cough* I have decided to teach all of you... my adoring public... what things I have learned from watching porn. I provide this as a public service announcement so that others won't have to suffer through the hours upon hours of watching porn to learn these vital life realities.

1. Women love to clean in the nude

2. Women love to wear high heels while cleaning... in the nude.

3. Most women sit at home in lingerie and a robe waiting on the plumber, TV repair man, or pizza delivery guy to arrive. As a side note plumbers arent fat with crack showing and the pizza guy is never an acne faced 17 year old working a part time job.

4. The best position for sex is standing up doggie style with the girls leg contorted up onto a counter top.

5. Most women NEVER wear bras or panties.

6. Nurses believe that sponge baths and sex are a cure all.... and it seems to work.

7. Police officers do way more strip searches then I thought. and they are very thorough! Cavity search... seriously!

8. Sex on the beach is a pleasant experience. Sand is never an issue.

9. All of your friends mothers are hot and horny. Just take them.

10. When you run out of cash, offering sex is always an option.

11. Womens Prisons are the place to be! I can't understand why more guys don't want to be the security guard there.

and finally

12. There is NEVER a wet spot nor the need to "clean up" or shower afterwards.

and for those of you wondering, I kept this PG. Most of my good stuff was in the rated R category but I decided to keep those thoughts to myself. *pats self on back for being a good guy*

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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Ways to make your marriage better

Since yesterday was my wedding anniversary to Bitches I have decided that this Public Service Announcement should be to help others achieve the happiness we have. Here are a hand full of tips for you husbands out there to help show your love to your wonderful wives.

1. Buy your woman lingerie in a smaller size then she wears. "Oh, Honey, I seriously thought you were a size 2. You look so good!"

2. Turn the TV to ESPN CLASSICS. Watch for a few minutes and then turn to your wife and tell her she is more important then the game and turn the TV off. She will love this and you won't miss a game since the Classics station only shows past games from years ago. Win - Win.

3. "Bake your wife a cake." Take time off of work to go home and surprise her by "baking" a cake. Just remember to throw away the bakery container and mess up the cake some. You can't have it looking like you just bought it from the bakery.

4. When your wife is doing a chore such as the dishes wait for her to walk away from it for whatever reason. Then step in and finish it for her. You get the credit for doing the chore and usually only have 1 or 2 dishes left anyway.

5. Offer to take your wife shopping at the mall one night. "Honey, you know what, you've had a hard day. Let's go shopping for awhile to cheer you up." But remember, Don't offer this until 8:00 at night. By the time she gets ready and you get to the mall it will be pert near closing time.

6. Tell your wife that she looks just like a hot actress such as Jennifer Aniston. She will feel good about herself and the next time that you say Jennifer Aniston is hot you can play off off by saying "She looks so much like you honey." (side note fellas, pick a girl that at least looks kinda like your wife).

7. When you think you may be busted looking at a hot girl, make a disgusting face and remark "I can't believe someone would go out wearing a skirt like that. That's just wrong." Make sure to do this BEFORE your wife makes any other comments. If the girl is very young then you can add "What does she think her parents would say?"

Certain things to remember. Study these. Learn them. Live them. These are fast answers to basic questions.

1. "Does this make me look fat?" you reply - "Only with a PH baby." now, see what I did here? Most guys would just answer no, it doesn't make you look fat. But girls know about that. So by changing it up a little and saying only with a PH you throw them off their game. For those not in the know PHAT means hot. It is pronounced FAT. Watch some MTV People.

2. "Hows dinner taste?" you reply - "Oh, you did a great job with dinner tonight honey." Don't question this. If you tell her it wasn't good then you are somehow attacking her skills in the kitchen. If you ever want to eat again suck it up for a night and remember that you've eaten worse for bets.

3. "Do I need to go on a diet?" you reply - "For what?" Making sure to give a quizzical look as if she is just insane for thinking that. Now if she answers back "Because I'm getting fat!" Then see the reply for question #1

4. "Is she prettier then me?" you reply - "Who?" you obviously don't know who she is talking about because no one compares to her. Once your wife points out who she is talking about the answer is always "Are you serious honey? No way."

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Strip Club Rules

After a long break I have decided that I must provide some additional guidance to the public. Without my knowledge many people would be left in the dark and I wouldnt want that. So here is another Public Service announcement from Mr. Bitches.

Rules for a strip club.

1. Always wear a hat. Girls on the stage really like playing with hats.

2. Don't take an ATM card with you. When the blood stops flowing to the big head you stop caring about how much your little head is spending.

3. If there is sex in the champagne room... remember, you weren't the first one to pop the cork.

4. Don't lie to your wife about it. Invite her, you never know. She may have more fun then you do.

5. When out at the strip club remember, you can look at the menu but you better dine at home.

6. When you start to believe that the girl is actually interested in you..... LEAVE.

7. Tip $5 the first time. For the extra $4 she gets, the girl will keep coming back to you instead of your friend.

8. Don't ask for change. They really don't like that. "Hey, um, I'm going to throw this $10 on the stage and take back 9 ones okay?"

9.Once you have left the strip club get control of yourself and no, your wife will not pick up your dollar bill without her hands. (your lucky if you don't get slapped for asking)

10. Sliding your credit card down a girls butt cheeks will certainly get you thrown out.

11. Ask for the Charlie Sheen Special

12. Always keep your hands to yourself, just not in your lap. that's gross. you are in public.

13. Don't try and save money at the "early Bird special" Obviously that's not where the real talent is.

and lastly....

14. when you go to the strip club and you see that bitch you hated from high school dancing, proceed directly to the stage, drop down your money and say "I can't WAIT for my class reunion!" Come on. you know I would have to show Miley on a blog about stripping.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Womens Eyebrows

Since I did a Public Service Announcement the other day about men's eyebrows and the pitfalls there can be I decided that it was only appropriate to do the same post for females. Yes, it is not only the guys who have issues with their eyebrows. For women though its even more unacceptable since you are already familiar with makeup and taking care of your face. You have no excuse ladies. So for your knowledge, below are some pictures of the issues many women seem to have with their eyebrows.
This seems to be a pretty cute girl. But it is a classic case of bad eyebrows. If she would shape them in a better way (not the hockey stick plucking she did) then she would raise her cuteness level considerably. I guess practice can help.
Just like the guys... Unibrows do not work. Pluck, shave, wax, have a friend hold you down and throw some NAIR in there. Something. But please please please, don't let your eyebrows meet in the middle.
OK, What the Hell? I guess if you love the outline your lips look the same pencil can be used on your eyebrows. I bet she was happy when Sharpie came out with the new thin line marker.
This picture just makes me want to cry. Literally. I have a tear rolling down my cheeks. you can actually see where the original eyebrow was. OMG. WTF. I, I, I, I just don't know what else to say.
Pencil thin, long as all, way higher on the forehead then reality. Come on. There are these things called mirrors. But seriously. I bet she thinks She's got it going on!
Its a man Baby! Well, probably not but with these bushy eyebrows it sure makes me think that. Once I get past that my next question is, "If her eyebrows are this bushy, what about the rest of her?"
This is probably some little kids Great Aunt. Just think of her coming at you trying to pinch your cheeks. As a side note, doesn't it look like 2 sperms coming together to meet?

Mommy Dearest! These eyebrows are enough to scare the child before you even say "NO WIRE HANGERS!"
I predict this will be the new fashion style for eyebrows. Sculpted into your favorite pet.

The most famous female bad eyebrows! Frida!
And finally,

Don't let a child go through this. They aren't old enough to know better. Come on parents.