Womens Eyebrows

Since I did a Public Service Announcement the other day about men's eyebrows and the pitfalls there can be I decided that it was only appropriate to do the same post for females. Yes, it is not only the guys who have issues with their eyebrows. For women though its even more unacceptable since you are already familiar with makeup and taking care of your face. You have no excuse ladies. So for your knowledge, below are some pictures of the issues many women seem to have with their eyebrows.

This seems to be a pretty cute girl. But it is a classic case of bad eyebrows. If she would shape them in a better way (not the hockey stick plucking she did) then she would raise her cuteness level considerably. I guess practice can help.

Just like the guys... Unibrows do not work. Pluck, shave, wax, have a friend hold you down and throw some NAIR in there. Something. But please please please, don't let your eyebrows meet in the middle.

OK, What the Hell? I guess if you love the outline your lips look the same pencil can be used on your eyebrows. I bet she was happy when Sharpie came out with the new thin line marker.

This picture just makes me want to cry. Literally. I have a tear rolling down my cheeks. you can actually see where the original eyebrow was. OMG. WTF. I, I, I, I just don't know what else to say.

Pencil thin, long as all, way higher on the forehead then reality. Come on. There are these things called mirrors. But seriously. I bet she thinks She's got it going on!

Its a man Baby! Well, probably not but with these bushy eyebrows it sure makes me think that. Once I get past that my next question is, "If her eyebrows are this bushy, what about the rest of her?"

This is probably some little kids Great Aunt. Just think of her coming at you trying to pinch your cheeks. As a side note, doesn't it look like 2 sperms coming together to meet?

Mommy Dearest! These eyebrows are enough to scare the child before you even say "NO WIRE HANGERS!"

I predict this will be the new fashion style for eyebrows. Sculpted into your favorite pet.

The most famous female bad eyebrows! Frida!

And finally,

Don't let a child go through this. They aren't old enough to know better. Come on parents.

WTF?!?!?!

Check out the kid in the back seat.

*This was from twitpic. http://http//twitpic.com/c4zyk I certainly cant take credit for it.

A Special Public Announcement

As a special Public Service Announcement I have decided to tackle a most horrendous problem. A problem which causes trauma not only to those directly inflicted but also by those who come into contact with those inflicted. A problem that keeps young men sitting home alone on a Friday night. A problem which often leads to snickering behind the inflicted's back. Most importantly, a problem which can be solved.


This traumatizing predicament I will speak on today is Bad Eyebrows. Yes, bad eyebrows. To most people eyebrows are an after thought. They certainly aren't the item that will make women swoon over a guy but they can be the killer that keeps a girl from even listening to your bad pick up lines. For all of you single guys out there, remember not to shoot yourself in the foot. Trim those eyebrows and please please, do everyone a favor and make sure there are 2 of them on your face and not 1.


Below are typical images of guys who have not listened to my words. I don't think any of them are going to be on E!'s hottest men lists.

The Basic Unibrow


Another Unibrow. He may get chicks with his smile though, I can't say for certain.

Bushy. But at least they match his hair

Probably the most famous of the bushy brows. Come on Andy, buy a razor. Clean those suckers up.

I have no words. Bushy, unibrow, sparse in areas. He just covers all bases.

The Moused Look. If you can (and do) style your eyebrows with mouse.... There's a problem.

Even the Great Edward Cullen has some freaking bushy eyebrows.

Now, keeping your eyebrows in shape is not hard to do. Go buy an eyebrow electric trimmer for men. Then just use the trimmer. It doesn't have to be MANSCAPED. Just clean it up a little. Then were the eyebrows are suppose to be separated make sure to shave that smooth. That's all there is to it guys. We aren't talking 2 hours in the bathroom here. an extra 5 min. when shaving. But if you really need a better explanation or just like to watch how to videos check this one out.

http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-tame-hairy-eyebrows

I will admit that there are exceptions to every rule, even this one. Below is a guy that overcame his affliction and was able to find a girl that thought his stellar personality overcame his forest of an eyebrow.

Top 10 things NOT overheard at Obamas Beer Summit

On Thursday Obama will hold a beer summit with Prof. Gates and Officer Crowley. Here are the top 10 things that probably won't be overheard at this drink fest.

1. Where did I put my keys now?

2. Obama "Can I get an imported beer? This domestic stuff is crap!"

3. Damn, This door seems to be stuck. Professor Gates, Can you give me a hand?

4. Anyone up for a game of beer pong?

5. So, What did y'all think of that OJ Verdict?

6. A group sing along of "We are the World."

7. Office Crowley "Can I get another Schlitz Malt Liquor?"

8. Officer Crowley "Y'all remember that Rodney King stuff? Yea, Good times."

9. Prof. Gates to Officer Crowley "Hey man, can I get a ride home?"

10. Ya'll know any good Yo Mamma jokes?

and the bonus round said by all 3......
"I may have over-reacted"

More.... Vanilla Sex.

As a followup Public Service Announcement I have decided to provide more examples of "How to know if your having vanilla sex." If you find yourself in any of the following situations please make changes before it is to late.

This may look good but doesn't the next one look better?

On to the countdown.....

1. If you get happy when the spouse breaks out the chocolate sauce and whipped cream because you know your getting a sundae.

2.You hear the buzzing sound coming from the bathroom and you know its an electric toothbrush

3. "I need to trim the bush" actually means going outside and cutting the hedges.

4. While watching 9 ½ weeks all you can think about is how much cleaning up its going to take in the kitchen.

5. It really is just a back massager

6. Pearl Necklaces go in the jewelry box right next to the gold ones.

7. Someone asks you about your toy chest and you give them a full account of the GI Joes, transformers, and hot wheel cars your kids keep in it.

8. Dirty Sanchez is the homeless guy on the corner

9. Deep Throat was a political informant

10. "Dicks and BJ’s" are fine shopping establishments.

And the Extra Bonus way to know your having vanilla sex:

If you tie your husband to the bed.... Wait for it.... Just so you can watch Twilight in peace. Your having vanilla sex.

Look at all the flavors. There is a ton of variety. Check it out. You could be in for some really great nights. As a parting note......

If you read this post and are dying laughing until all of a sudden..... you're not laughing so much anymore, then, YOUR HAVING VANILLA SEX!

Original Vanilla Sex Post

Here is a repost of my original Vanilla Sex Blog

The following is a Public Service Advisory from Mr. Bitches:

Since I made a comment today about Jon and Kate having Vanilla sex, I thought it only appropriate for me to point out the top 10 ways to know you are having vanilla sex. I really don’t want anyone to fall into this horrible travesty which often leads to the man going after a 22 year old hottie or the woman to lust after shirtless vampire boys.


1. You yawn during sex.

2. The wife screams “Oh God” followed by “I left the stove on!”

3. Your kid has to give YOU the birds and the bees speech.

4. When someone asks you your favorite position and you answer “there’s more then 1?”

5. You believe the clitoris is still “The Big Myth.”

6. Unicorns, Harry Potter, and multiple orgasms…. All Fiction.

7. You ask your husband if he has any fantasies and he replies “Yea, I have 3 fantasy footballteams, 2 baseball and one basketball.”

8. You own a Sealy Posturepedic bed and you don’t knock over the wine glass on the corner.

9. When a couple talks about spanking you ask them what their kids did wrong?

10. If your husband says he wants to “eat out” and you get your coat and wait in the car.


And my personal favorite:The “rabbit” is a pet you keep in a cage in the back yard and a bullet is what goes into a gun.

New Car Buying Experience - Part 3 of 3

Moving on to the deciding portion.


Our salesman actually pulled the shtick "I’ve got to go talk to my boss to see if I can work out a better deal for you" Then he walks over to a guy sitting at a computer (not in an office) and whispers things to him. Comes back and tells us how he worked with his boss and he got us this great deal. To bad the price was higher then the sticker! Yea. I don’t think so buddy. So he makes an excuse and walks off again. Comes back with a better monthly payment but doesn’t tell us the price. Bitches even asks and he when she does he gets back up and goes back to the "boss". This goes on 4 or 5 times and we tell him no, we cant afford it. Sorry. We have a set payment and price in mind and that’s it. (Just for future reference, that was the best thing we could do). The Salesman gets kinda close to it but not quite there. That’s when we tell him our bank can beat his APR. Oh man, that started a whole new round of "talking to the boss" Not only do they want to sell the car but they also want the loan. In comes the "boss" and discusses our options with their financing. Telling us they cant do any better then this apr. ok, we cant take it... lo and behold, (they are going to get in trouble with their boss because they aren’t making any money on this deal anymore) but they can give us what we want.
An hour after we started we finally have gotten the price we want, the apr we want, and the months of payments we want. I’m so glad he went and talked to his boss.




Next up... The hot young THANG, with a low cut blouse and expensive boobs comes in to sell us the undercoat, the leather conditioner, the scotch guard upgrade, and the paint coating. She was very nice and all but man, if there was ever a stereotype going on. If Bitches wasn’t sitting there I would place money that this girl would be touching my hand, winking at me, giving me the sly come hither smile, you know, all the flirting tactics you women use to get what you want :) From the time she started until the time she finished the price went down to the point that... you guessed it... They aren’t making any money on this deal anymore, her boss is going to kill her for giving it to us at this price, and We will take a small lose at this price but I really like you two so I am willing to do it. By now I am busting out laughing.




4th up is the final finance guy. He shows us a deal for an extended warranty, Gap coverage, tire coverage and oil changes for 3 years all for the low low price of $1800. (Now mind you they never say the word thousand or even hundred. Just the numbers. It doesn’t sound as bad when someone says this is one-seven-nine- nine.) That one-seven-nine-nine quickly came down to nine-nine-nine. Then down to seven-nine-nine. Then the cost was just not said again. Then he changed and just started telling us how much our payments would be. Who wouldn’t want to pay only twenty nine more a month. You know we aren’t going to make any money on this deal and my boss is going to kill me but I really like you guys and want you to have this. Needless to say this took another 45 minutes. And I had to say at least two-zero-zero times that I was not interested. So the story ends here...


But wait, our salesman walks back in and asks us why we don’t want their packages. The packages are great. We should really get them. After going through this again we start to walk out to get in our brand new car and "the boss" yells across the floor "Ya’ll sure you don’t want one of the packages, they really are a good deal" Well now I am sold. Of course give me the packages, No one had said they were a good deal yet. I’m sold! Thank you again "boss". But seriously, I couldn’t buy the package from the sitcom stereotype blonde or from the hip "I’m on your side" finance guy because I didn’t want either of them to die (The boss will kill me for giving you this price). Plus the boss would go to the chair for killing them. I just couldn’t do that to them. I would have their deaths on my conscience if I took a price so low their boss was going to kill them.
So I didn’t buy the packages. We got in the car and drove off. Nice new car, great new car smell, full tank of gas.... WHAT? It’s on E?!?! Damn. The first place we take the car to... a gas station to fill it up. Good Grief.

New Car Buying Experience - Part 2

Below is part 2 of our car buying experience. Today I relay the sales tactics used by all of the wonderful salesmen and women. you know they are our friends. After this we will be hanging out together, going to dinner, parties etc. Well, at least until you finish signing the paperwork that is.

The following are different things we were told while at car lots.

During a test drive the Saleswoman told Bitches "Your hair looks so good. I’ve had a bad hair day all day and so I am jealous of you right now. It looks so good" Now while bitch’s hair was hot with those sexy layers going on it made no sense in the middle of a conversation about how the car was driving.

While looking at a car with no power windows, mirrors, or locks.... "I prefer not to have power. If you ever happen to fall in water (God Forbid) then you can just crank the window down and you wont have to worry about power." Not sure about ya’ll but my purchasing a car isn’t normally based on if we’re going to drive into a lake or not.

Same car.... "you don’t need power mirrors, once you set them one time you never have to change them again so power doesn’t even make sense for mirrors."

Same car again (they were really trying to sell the no power thing) Rolling down the window at the fast food place will help to burn off some of the calories.

While looking at the engine of the car... "I don’t know where the oil filter is but since you’ll be bringing it here for service you don’t need to know that. Right?" Good selling point there!

The New Car Buying Experience - Part 1

I’m sitting here at my desk pondering the purchase Bitches and I made last night. A new Subaru Forester. I’m sure she will write a blog about the vehicle so I will tackle the task of telling you the true story of our trials and tribulations with getting a new car.

Before purchasing a new car we did our homework. We looked around and checked the internet. Decided on the price we could afford and what we were willing to pay. We narrowed down our choices and were all set to do some test driving. Then came the "recommendations" from friends. To start, we liked recommendations. People that know us and listened to what we wanted gave us good ideas. I especially have one "car guy" friend who explained a lot to me and we have a couple other friends that suggested things right up our alley, but as with most things people took it as a time to recommend what they want. Their dreams. Here are a couple of the suggestions and my replies to them.


1. Get a Big Ass Suburban, Commander, or anything else that’s bigger then a house and can run over other cars (and also gets 10 MPG). When I said that wasn’t for me I was asked (no joke) "What, is that to much car for you?" My reply..... My penis is the perfect size for me and Bitches. I don’t need to drive around showing off my extension. If I wanted an extension I’d go buy the elephant sleeve (look it up ladies. If your man is a little on the ... well.... little side he could use it.)

2. Get a sports car or convertible. My reply.... I am not having a mid life crises, I won't be driving down the road with John Gossling scoping out 20 year old girls who have daddy issues or gold diggers. I need something practical not something Guido with the hairy chest and all the bling would drive. On a side note, have any of ya’ll ever seen a guy pull up beside you in a sports car and you thought to yourself that car is so hot I think I’ll jump in the front seat and have sex with him? Just taking a poll here.

3. Get a luxury car. My reply... We cant afford it. I like food and my wife must purchase every twilight doll and magazine she sees. Since New Moon is coming out I figure she will only have more Edward dolls to purchase.

The next installment of this post will be about the sales tactics used at the dealership. Stay tuned.

Separated at birth?

Where were You on 7/22/2009

Today is a sad day.

I come to you with a heavy heart because a beloved entertainer has died. One who crossed the generational gap to draw in fans both young and old. No I am not talking about Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, Ed McMahon, or Farah Fawcett. I am talking about The Taco Bell Dog. This dog, Gidget, was a sweet innocent dog who only wanted to make people aware of the tasty treats at taco bell. At the age of 15, Gidget had a stroke and went to doggie heaven. Well, actually she went to the farmhouse in the country that all dogs get to go to. Now she will have a huge yard to play and run around in. Enjoy Gidget, you have brought happiness to so many people. We will remember you and this day always in our hearts.

Yo Queiro Taco Bell Gidget, Yo Quiero Taco Bell.

I shall be stopping on my way home to pay homage to Gidget at the nearest taco bell to my house.

Bitches and Firecrotch

After watching the enjoyment and fun Bitches and Firecrotch have had with blogging over at http://webiteprettyhard.blogspot.com I decided it was my duty to throw my hat in the ring. Take a stab at it. Put my best foot forward. My goal is to educate the masses while at the same time throwing in some comedy. I promise I will not bust on twilight to hard.