Rocky Road Sex

you know your having great sex when........

You have a set of rechargable batteries as backup to your first set of rechargable batteries... Just in case.

Your embarrased to explain to the officer what REALLY caused you to run off the road.

The neighborhood watch group knocks on your door to make sure everything is okay.

Someone asks you about the toy chest in your house and you don't have kids.

When you bought your bed, sturdiness was the biggest factor.... Having posts for the handcuffs was a close second.

You have Adamandeve.com book marked.... On your cell phone.

Your wife has adamandeve.com book marked.... On her cell phone.

Your safe word is Blueberry pancakes. Your reading this and you know what the hell a safe word is.

You've ever had an injury while having sex.

Your wife can't wear short skirts becuase of her calloused knees.

You know that having sex burns off roughly 65 calories per half hour.

Your wife is embarrased when you have to take the computer in to get worked on.

Ride'em cowgirl has a whole different meaning for you.

You have a knot on the top of your head, and are proud of it.

How Christmas and Prostitution are alike

1. At Christmas you suck on candy canes. Hookers suck on......

2. Santa Clause is always saying Ho Ho Ho. Prostitutes are refered to as Hos.

3. Santa mostly works at night. Prostitutes mostly work at night.

4. Santa is always trying to hide from people seeing him. Hookers are always trying to hide so the cops don't see them.

5. Santa does 1% of the work (eleves make the toys) but gets the majority of the accolades. Pimps do 1% of the work but get the majority of the money.

6. Santa has to crack the whip on his reindeer to produce flight. Pimps have to crack the whip on their hos to produce profit.

7. Santa keeps a list of all the boys and girls. Madams keep a list of their boys (clients) and girls.

8. You should tip Santa with milk and cookies. You should tip your friendly neighborhood hookers.

9. After Christmas there is a lot of cleaning up to do. After being with a hooker there is a lot of "cleaning up" to do.

10. Days after Christmas you are already wanting more. Days after the prostitute you are already wanting more.

11. Many of the presents you get for Christmas you dont want days later. Any "gifts" you get from the hookers, you dont want days later.

Desperate Dating

This is a reprint of another sites article.


7 Signs of a Desperate Dater

We've all seen it before. The crazy, overeager smile. That "please love me" tone. Desperation isn't pretty, and if you're the one feeling slightly under pressure it can be hard to know the difference between reasonable pro-activity and sad, demeaning behavior. We've cooked up this short guide to help you keep yourself in check.
by eHarmony Staff

Desperate Daters are ALWAYS available.You really liked him. The first date was terrific and he hasn't called in four days, so you're a little bit worried that he isn't as enthusiastic as you are. Holy smokes! The phone rings, it's him and he says, "What are you doing right now? Wanna grab some dinner?" "YES. YES. YES. COME PICK ME UP!"That's what you're thinking, but what does it say about you that a 6:20 pm phone call is plenty of notice for a 6:30 pm dinner date. "Well," you might say, "I'm an adult, and not into games, so why should I pretend to be busy?" And you're right, dating isn't a game - it's a dance. You're teaching this new person how you like to dance by the treatment you accept. If you want to be completely honest with the caller you could say, "I don't accept dinner dates 10 minutes before dinner," but the kinder, less aggressive way to teach this person that you have too much of a life to be available at the drop of a hat is to say, "I'm busy tonight, but let's set something up for this weekend." If you choose to answer this call and say, "Sure, I'm free. Let's go to dinner," it isn't the end of the world. For the caller, however, it is impossible not to take note of your availability. You're starting to establish the pattern of desperation.Desperate Daters are clingy.It's a basic human behavior. The things that we believe to be abundant get less attention. The things we believe to be scarce and valuable get lots of attention. It makes lots of sense in the jungle, but focusing your attention like a laser beam on a potential relationship partner can spell doom.Desperate daters are scared that they are going to be dumped. They believe there are few good candidates out there, and if they lose this person…they will be crushed!So they hold on tightly. They ask a lot of prying questions, "What did you do last night? Who was there?" They stay as close as possible under the assumption that being nearby can prevent their prize from escaping. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. Southern Rockers 38 Special had it just right, "Hold on loosely, but don't let go. If you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control."Desperate Daters need constant relationship status updates.It's not uncommon for a 5-year-old to climb into the car for a long trip and ask the driver 15 minutes later, "Are we there yet? How many more miles?" There are many grown men and women who act the same way with their romantic relationships. These relationship conversations (we like the term "State of the Union" conversations) can come over and over as the desperate partner seeks for some handle they can use to sooth their fear of being abandoned. "What are we? What are we doing? Are we insert next life hurdle here?"Not sure of what's going on, some will play along, trying to give the fearful partner a sense of comfort and ease. It sometimes works - for awhile. More often the desperate party's constant need for reassurance leaves the exhausted partner heading for the door. Desperate Daters fish for compliments.Desperate daters need outside encouragement at every turn. They are so desperate to feel good about themselves that they become masters of creating compliments out of thin air. Self-deprecation is the most common tool.DD: "Wow. I feel so fat."You: "What are you talking about? You look great."DD: "Oh REALLY! Thanks so much.For the less subtle set there's the direct question, "What do you think of my jeans?"… "Do you like my hair?"… "Am I as pretty as Angelina Jolie?" Or the move where he/she walks in the room strikes a pose and says, "Well?" -- confident that you're not going to say, "You look ridiculous," and waiting for you to shower praise and affection all over them.This brand of desperation is simply exhausting. Lest you think you can say enough kind things to eventually create a self-assured person, beware. True desperation is a tough hole to patch. Desperate Daters Drop Their Friends.If you NEED a relationship, then nothing is going to stand in the way, right? Certainly not the friends who love you and will probably forgive you for dumping them. So goes the logic of the desperate mind. The problem is that dating a person who puts their entire life on hold for you…is creepy. "I know I usually go to Las Vegas with my friends for March Madness but I just want to be with you." It can be a lot of pressure being the center of someone's universe, and you start to wonder about key traits - like loyalty and dependability - that can have a big impact on whether you choose to pursue a long term relationship someone. Desperate Daters Drop Their Standards.Books have been written on the topic of "settling." What is settling? When to settle? And a quick perusal of the eHarmony Advice community shows volumes of thought and debate on the topic. Clearly, it is possible to want too much from a date or a mate. Downshifting from some overblown list of traits and accomplishments is a wise decision. But we all have an internal sense of what we can attract in the marketplace of life. Dry spells come and go, but life has taught us the kinds of people we can successfully date. Water seeks its own level. In addition, most people have spent some time thinking about the traits that are important to them -- honesty, stability, curiosity, good work ethic, respectful, etc. These traits become the short list of what you MUST HAVE from a partner to be with them.The desperate dater is too driven by fear to pay attention to this inner voice. They start to toss these requirements overboard one by one. They believe that their best years are behind them, and that the only way to be in a relationship is to settle for less. Much less. Desperate Daters Rationalize Bad Treatment.Continuing with our theme of song lyrics, here's one from Nashville songstress Pam Tillis called, Cleopatra, The Queen of Denial. "I knew he didn't have any moneyYeah that's why he couldn't buy me a ringOh and just because he bought himself a brand new pickup truckReally didn't prove anythingAnd he never had to say he loved meI could see it every time he smiledJust call me Cleopatra everybody, 'cause I'm the Queen of Denial"When you are desperate for love you'll take a lot of gruff. In fact, you often don't even notice the poor treatment because acknowledging that you're being treated badly is the first step down the road to walking away. If you've ever made excuses to your friends for the way your significant other treats you, it's time to take a long hard look at your relationship and priorities. Are you so desperate to be with a person that you'll allow them to treat you like an old shoe?So in conclusion, if we imagine a person who is the opposite of the one described above we have someone who is:
Not always available -- has a busy life and can make time with a little notice.
Not Clingy -- comfortable with some space in the relationship.
Comfortable without constant relationship updates - likes to let things progress naturally.
Secure without artificial compliments.
Going to continue to make their friends an important priority.
Continuing to maintain reasonable standards for their dates.
Not going to tolerate poor treatment in a relationship.
The irony is that while the person we've just described seems like a harder person to date - higher standards, more rules, less available - they are infinitely more likely to end up in a great relationship than the poor desperate soul who is willing to do double-backflips just to be with someone.Read more: http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=articles/view&AID=2521?cid=2091&aid=121601#ixzz0a3fYJVJB

Rules for Halloween

1. If you can add the word Slutty in front of the costume and you think it could be hot..... Don't let your teenage daughter wear it. ie. Nurse costume.... Slutty nurse costume.

2. It is still cheating if you hook up with someone who is wearing the same mask as your wife.

3. Girls, remember, if you dress as a slutty anything, guys will expect you to be true to your costume.

4. Guys, remember, your friends may think it's awesome you dressed up as the scary bloody monstor. But the slutty school girl isn't going to want to hook up with her nightmare. Girls, remember, guys will hook up with anything you decide to wear.

5. Don't hand out pennies instead of candy. Your house will be the first one TPed later that night!

6. If you leave your candy on your porch with a note that says "Please just take one" understand that the 1st non-chaperoned kid is going to dump it in his bag.

7. If your kid is less then 1 year old stop trying to make me give you candy. I know its for you, you 30 year old cheap @ss bastard.

8. Raisins may be natures candy.... But don't give it out on Halloween.

9. For those who refuse to celebrate Halloween because it is a"witches" holiday, remember, no one thinks of that until you bring it up. For everyone else it's a time for kids to get free candy!

Break up lines

We all know the old stand by that everyone says when your breaking up with someone... "It's not you, It's me." Well that has been played out. Below I will be providing everyone with new lines to chose from. Enjoy.



1. It's you. Not me. (Sometimes honesty is the best policy)

2. We don't have to break up but I'm gonna be sleeping with some other women.

3. I took a long hard look at my future and , sorry, you weren't there.

4. I'm a Star Wars guy. Your a Star Trek Girl. It just won't work out.

5. When we started dating I thought I was a butt guy. Now I figured out I'm a boob man. I'm sorry.

6. This is going to hurt me more then it's going to hurt you. (If it works for spanking why not for breaking up?)

7. We are just headed in different directions. I'm going down the path to success and well.... your going down the one less traveled.

8. We just aren't in the same league as each other. You seem to know everything and I don't.

9. Look, I'm not breaking up with you. I'm just going to be a little busy until the next time I get horny. I'll call you then.

10. I want to test the theory of "If you let something go free and it comes back then it's true love"

11. Honey, the economy is in bad shape. I'm going to have to let you go.

12. I want to take our relationship to the next level. 3 somes!

13. Breaking up is the best thing for both of us. You will soon move on. I have.

14. With time you will start to move on. I "moved on" last Saturday and 2 times on Sunday.

15. Your a very good girl. Sadly, I was looking for a bad one.

16. I feel like I need to sow some wild oats. I can call you when I'm done if you like.



and for the Egocentric



17. I really don't want to waste your time anymore. You should be out looking for someone that's not as good as me.

Things Porn teaches

After doing some research *cough cough* I have decided to teach all of you... my adoring public... what things I have learned from watching porn. I provide this as a public service announcement so that others won't have to suffer through the hours upon hours of watching porn to learn these vital life realities.


1. Women love to clean in the nude

2. Women love to wear high heels while cleaning... in the nude.

3. Most women sit at home in lingerie and a robe waiting on the plumber, TV repair man, or pizza delivery guy to arrive. As a side note plumbers arent fat with crack showing and the pizza guy is never an acne faced 17 year old working a part time job.

4. The best position for sex is standing up doggie style with the girls leg contorted up onto a counter top.

5. Most women NEVER wear bras or panties.

6. Nurses believe that sponge baths and sex are a cure all.... and it seems to work.




7. Police officers do way more strip searches then I thought. and they are very thorough! Cavity search... seriously!



8. Sex on the beach is a pleasant experience. Sand is never an issue.

9. All of your friends mothers are hot and horny. Just take them.

10. When you run out of cash, offering sex is always an option.

11. Womens Prisons are the place to be! I can't understand why more guys don't want to be the security guard there.

and finally

12. There is NEVER a wet spot nor the need to "clean up" or shower afterwards.

and for those of you wondering, I kept this PG. Most of my good stuff was in the rated R category but I decided to keep those thoughts to myself. *pats self on back for being a good guy*

Ways to make your marriage better

Since yesterday was my wedding anniversary to Bitches I have decided that this Public Service Announcement should be to help others achieve the happiness we have. Here are a hand full of tips for you husbands out there to help show your love to your wonderful wives.

1. Buy your woman lingerie in a smaller size then she wears. "Oh, Honey, I seriously thought you were a size 2. You look so good!"

2. Turn the TV to ESPN CLASSICS. Watch for a few minutes and then turn to your wife and tell her she is more important then the game and turn the TV off. She will love this and you won't miss a game since the Classics station only shows past games from years ago. Win - Win.

3. "Bake your wife a cake." Take time off of work to go home and surprise her by "baking" a cake. Just remember to throw away the bakery container and mess up the cake some. You can't have it looking like you just bought it from the bakery.

4. When your wife is doing a chore such as the dishes wait for her to walk away from it for whatever reason. Then step in and finish it for her. You get the credit for doing the chore and usually only have 1 or 2 dishes left anyway.

5. Offer to take your wife shopping at the mall one night. "Honey, you know what, you've had a hard day. Let's go shopping for awhile to cheer you up." But remember, Don't offer this until 8:00 at night. By the time she gets ready and you get to the mall it will be pert near closing time.

6. Tell your wife that she looks just like a hot actress such as Jennifer Aniston. She will feel good about herself and the next time that you say Jennifer Aniston is hot you can play off off by saying "She looks so much like you honey." (side note fellas, pick a girl that at least looks kinda like your wife).

7. When you think you may be busted looking at a hot girl, make a disgusting face and remark "I can't believe someone would go out wearing a skirt like that. That's just wrong." Make sure to do this BEFORE your wife makes any other comments. If the girl is very young then you can add "What does she think her parents would say?"


Certain things to remember. Study these. Learn them. Live them. These are fast answers to basic questions.

1. "Does this make me look fat?" you reply - "Only with a PH baby." now, see what I did here? Most guys would just answer no, it doesn't make you look fat. But girls know about that. So by changing it up a little and saying only with a PH you throw them off their game. For those not in the know PHAT means hot. It is pronounced FAT. Watch some MTV People.

2. "Hows dinner taste?" you reply - "Oh, you did a great job with dinner tonight honey." Don't question this. If you tell her it wasn't good then you are somehow attacking her skills in the kitchen. If you ever want to eat again suck it up for a night and remember that you've eaten worse for bets.

3. "Do I need to go on a diet?" you reply - "For what?" Making sure to give a quizzical look as if she is just insane for thinking that. Now if she answers back "Because I'm getting fat!" Then see the reply for question #1

4. "Is she prettier then me?" you reply - "Who?" you obviously don't know who she is talking about because no one compares to her. Once your wife points out who she is talking about the answer is always "Are you serious honey? No way."

Strip Club Rules

After a long break I have decided that I must provide some additional guidance to the public. Without my knowledge many people would be left in the dark and I wouldnt want that. So here is another Public Service announcement from Mr. Bitches.

Rules for a strip club.



1. Always wear a hat. Girls on the stage really like playing with hats.


2. Don't take an ATM card with you. When the blood stops flowing to the big head you stop caring about how much your little head is spending.


3. If there is sex in the champagne room... remember, you weren't the first one to pop the cork.


4. Don't lie to your wife about it. Invite her, you never know. She may have more fun then you do.


5. When out at the strip club remember, you can look at the menu but you better dine at home.


6. When you start to believe that the girl is actually interested in you..... LEAVE.


7. Tip $5 the first time. For the extra $4 she gets, the girl will keep coming back to you instead of your friend.


8. Don't ask for change. They really don't like that. "Hey, um, I'm going to throw this $10 on the stage and take back 9 ones okay?"


9.Once you have left the strip club get control of yourself and no, your wife will not pick up your dollar bill without her hands. (your lucky if you don't get slapped for asking)


10. Sliding your credit card down a girls butt cheeks will certainly get you thrown out.


11. Ask for the Charlie Sheen Special


12. Always keep your hands to yourself, just not in your lap. that's gross. you are in public.


13. Don't try and save money at the "early Bird special" Obviously that's not where the real talent is.

and lastly....

14. when you go to the strip club and you see that bitch you hated from high school dancing, proceed directly to the stage, drop down your money and say "I can't WAIT for my class reunion!" Come on. you know I would have to show Miley on a blog about stripping.

Womens Eyebrows

Since I did a Public Service Announcement the other day about men's eyebrows and the pitfalls there can be I decided that it was only appropriate to do the same post for females. Yes, it is not only the guys who have issues with their eyebrows. For women though its even more unacceptable since you are already familiar with makeup and taking care of your face. You have no excuse ladies. So for your knowledge, below are some pictures of the issues many women seem to have with their eyebrows.

This seems to be a pretty cute girl. But it is a classic case of bad eyebrows. If she would shape them in a better way (not the hockey stick plucking she did) then she would raise her cuteness level considerably. I guess practice can help.

Just like the guys... Unibrows do not work. Pluck, shave, wax, have a friend hold you down and throw some NAIR in there. Something. But please please please, don't let your eyebrows meet in the middle.

OK, What the Hell? I guess if you love the outline your lips look the same pencil can be used on your eyebrows. I bet she was happy when Sharpie came out with the new thin line marker.

This picture just makes me want to cry. Literally. I have a tear rolling down my cheeks. you can actually see where the original eyebrow was. OMG. WTF. I, I, I, I just don't know what else to say.

Pencil thin, long as all, way higher on the forehead then reality. Come on. There are these things called mirrors. But seriously. I bet she thinks She's got it going on!

Its a man Baby! Well, probably not but with these bushy eyebrows it sure makes me think that. Once I get past that my next question is, "If her eyebrows are this bushy, what about the rest of her?"

This is probably some little kids Great Aunt. Just think of her coming at you trying to pinch your cheeks. As a side note, doesn't it look like 2 sperms coming together to meet?

Mommy Dearest! These eyebrows are enough to scare the child before you even say "NO WIRE HANGERS!"

I predict this will be the new fashion style for eyebrows. Sculpted into your favorite pet.

The most famous female bad eyebrows! Frida!

And finally,

Don't let a child go through this. They aren't old enough to know better. Come on parents.

WTF?!?!?!

Check out the kid in the back seat.

*This was from twitpic. http://http//twitpic.com/c4zyk I certainly cant take credit for it.

A Special Public Announcement

As a special Public Service Announcement I have decided to tackle a most horrendous problem. A problem which causes trauma not only to those directly inflicted but also by those who come into contact with those inflicted. A problem that keeps young men sitting home alone on a Friday night. A problem which often leads to snickering behind the inflicted's back. Most importantly, a problem which can be solved.


This traumatizing predicament I will speak on today is Bad Eyebrows. Yes, bad eyebrows. To most people eyebrows are an after thought. They certainly aren't the item that will make women swoon over a guy but they can be the killer that keeps a girl from even listening to your bad pick up lines. For all of you single guys out there, remember not to shoot yourself in the foot. Trim those eyebrows and please please, do everyone a favor and make sure there are 2 of them on your face and not 1.


Below are typical images of guys who have not listened to my words. I don't think any of them are going to be on E!'s hottest men lists.

The Basic Unibrow


Another Unibrow. He may get chicks with his smile though, I can't say for certain.

Bushy. But at least they match his hair

Probably the most famous of the bushy brows. Come on Andy, buy a razor. Clean those suckers up.

I have no words. Bushy, unibrow, sparse in areas. He just covers all bases.

The Moused Look. If you can (and do) style your eyebrows with mouse.... There's a problem.

Even the Great Edward Cullen has some freaking bushy eyebrows.

Now, keeping your eyebrows in shape is not hard to do. Go buy an eyebrow electric trimmer for men. Then just use the trimmer. It doesn't have to be MANSCAPED. Just clean it up a little. Then were the eyebrows are suppose to be separated make sure to shave that smooth. That's all there is to it guys. We aren't talking 2 hours in the bathroom here. an extra 5 min. when shaving. But if you really need a better explanation or just like to watch how to videos check this one out.

http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-tame-hairy-eyebrows

I will admit that there are exceptions to every rule, even this one. Below is a guy that overcame his affliction and was able to find a girl that thought his stellar personality overcame his forest of an eyebrow.

Top 10 things NOT overheard at Obamas Beer Summit

On Thursday Obama will hold a beer summit with Prof. Gates and Officer Crowley. Here are the top 10 things that probably won't be overheard at this drink fest.

1. Where did I put my keys now?

2. Obama "Can I get an imported beer? This domestic stuff is crap!"

3. Damn, This door seems to be stuck. Professor Gates, Can you give me a hand?

4. Anyone up for a game of beer pong?

5. So, What did y'all think of that OJ Verdict?

6. A group sing along of "We are the World."

7. Office Crowley "Can I get another Schlitz Malt Liquor?"

8. Officer Crowley "Y'all remember that Rodney King stuff? Yea, Good times."

9. Prof. Gates to Officer Crowley "Hey man, can I get a ride home?"

10. Ya'll know any good Yo Mamma jokes?

and the bonus round said by all 3......
"I may have over-reacted"

More.... Vanilla Sex.

As a followup Public Service Announcement I have decided to provide more examples of "How to know if your having vanilla sex." If you find yourself in any of the following situations please make changes before it is to late.

This may look good but doesn't the next one look better?

On to the countdown.....

1. If you get happy when the spouse breaks out the chocolate sauce and whipped cream because you know your getting a sundae.

2.You hear the buzzing sound coming from the bathroom and you know its an electric toothbrush

3. "I need to trim the bush" actually means going outside and cutting the hedges.

4. While watching 9 ½ weeks all you can think about is how much cleaning up its going to take in the kitchen.

5. It really is just a back massager

6. Pearl Necklaces go in the jewelry box right next to the gold ones.

7. Someone asks you about your toy chest and you give them a full account of the GI Joes, transformers, and hot wheel cars your kids keep in it.

8. Dirty Sanchez is the homeless guy on the corner

9. Deep Throat was a political informant

10. "Dicks and BJ’s" are fine shopping establishments.

And the Extra Bonus way to know your having vanilla sex:

If you tie your husband to the bed.... Wait for it.... Just so you can watch Twilight in peace. Your having vanilla sex.

Look at all the flavors. There is a ton of variety. Check it out. You could be in for some really great nights. As a parting note......

If you read this post and are dying laughing until all of a sudden..... you're not laughing so much anymore, then, YOUR HAVING VANILLA SEX!

Original Vanilla Sex Post

Here is a repost of my original Vanilla Sex Blog

The following is a Public Service Advisory from Mr. Bitches:

Since I made a comment today about Jon and Kate having Vanilla sex, I thought it only appropriate for me to point out the top 10 ways to know you are having vanilla sex. I really don’t want anyone to fall into this horrible travesty which often leads to the man going after a 22 year old hottie or the woman to lust after shirtless vampire boys.


1. You yawn during sex.

2. The wife screams “Oh God” followed by “I left the stove on!”

3. Your kid has to give YOU the birds and the bees speech.

4. When someone asks you your favorite position and you answer “there’s more then 1?”

5. You believe the clitoris is still “The Big Myth.”

6. Unicorns, Harry Potter, and multiple orgasms…. All Fiction.

7. You ask your husband if he has any fantasies and he replies “Yea, I have 3 fantasy footballteams, 2 baseball and one basketball.”

8. You own a Sealy Posturepedic bed and you don’t knock over the wine glass on the corner.

9. When a couple talks about spanking you ask them what their kids did wrong?

10. If your husband says he wants to “eat out” and you get your coat and wait in the car.


And my personal favorite:The “rabbit” is a pet you keep in a cage in the back yard and a bullet is what goes into a gun.

New Car Buying Experience - Part 3 of 3

Moving on to the deciding portion.


Our salesman actually pulled the shtick "I’ve got to go talk to my boss to see if I can work out a better deal for you" Then he walks over to a guy sitting at a computer (not in an office) and whispers things to him. Comes back and tells us how he worked with his boss and he got us this great deal. To bad the price was higher then the sticker! Yea. I don’t think so buddy. So he makes an excuse and walks off again. Comes back with a better monthly payment but doesn’t tell us the price. Bitches even asks and he when she does he gets back up and goes back to the "boss". This goes on 4 or 5 times and we tell him no, we cant afford it. Sorry. We have a set payment and price in mind and that’s it. (Just for future reference, that was the best thing we could do). The Salesman gets kinda close to it but not quite there. That’s when we tell him our bank can beat his APR. Oh man, that started a whole new round of "talking to the boss" Not only do they want to sell the car but they also want the loan. In comes the "boss" and discusses our options with their financing. Telling us they cant do any better then this apr. ok, we cant take it... lo and behold, (they are going to get in trouble with their boss because they aren’t making any money on this deal anymore) but they can give us what we want.
An hour after we started we finally have gotten the price we want, the apr we want, and the months of payments we want. I’m so glad he went and talked to his boss.




Next up... The hot young THANG, with a low cut blouse and expensive boobs comes in to sell us the undercoat, the leather conditioner, the scotch guard upgrade, and the paint coating. She was very nice and all but man, if there was ever a stereotype going on. If Bitches wasn’t sitting there I would place money that this girl would be touching my hand, winking at me, giving me the sly come hither smile, you know, all the flirting tactics you women use to get what you want :) From the time she started until the time she finished the price went down to the point that... you guessed it... They aren’t making any money on this deal anymore, her boss is going to kill her for giving it to us at this price, and We will take a small lose at this price but I really like you two so I am willing to do it. By now I am busting out laughing.




4th up is the final finance guy. He shows us a deal for an extended warranty, Gap coverage, tire coverage and oil changes for 3 years all for the low low price of $1800. (Now mind you they never say the word thousand or even hundred. Just the numbers. It doesn’t sound as bad when someone says this is one-seven-nine- nine.) That one-seven-nine-nine quickly came down to nine-nine-nine. Then down to seven-nine-nine. Then the cost was just not said again. Then he changed and just started telling us how much our payments would be. Who wouldn’t want to pay only twenty nine more a month. You know we aren’t going to make any money on this deal and my boss is going to kill me but I really like you guys and want you to have this. Needless to say this took another 45 minutes. And I had to say at least two-zero-zero times that I was not interested. So the story ends here...


But wait, our salesman walks back in and asks us why we don’t want their packages. The packages are great. We should really get them. After going through this again we start to walk out to get in our brand new car and "the boss" yells across the floor "Ya’ll sure you don’t want one of the packages, they really are a good deal" Well now I am sold. Of course give me the packages, No one had said they were a good deal yet. I’m sold! Thank you again "boss". But seriously, I couldn’t buy the package from the sitcom stereotype blonde or from the hip "I’m on your side" finance guy because I didn’t want either of them to die (The boss will kill me for giving you this price). Plus the boss would go to the chair for killing them. I just couldn’t do that to them. I would have their deaths on my conscience if I took a price so low their boss was going to kill them.
So I didn’t buy the packages. We got in the car and drove off. Nice new car, great new car smell, full tank of gas.... WHAT? It’s on E?!?! Damn. The first place we take the car to... a gas station to fill it up. Good Grief.

New Car Buying Experience - Part 2

Below is part 2 of our car buying experience. Today I relay the sales tactics used by all of the wonderful salesmen and women. you know they are our friends. After this we will be hanging out together, going to dinner, parties etc. Well, at least until you finish signing the paperwork that is.

The following are different things we were told while at car lots.

During a test drive the Saleswoman told Bitches "Your hair looks so good. I’ve had a bad hair day all day and so I am jealous of you right now. It looks so good" Now while bitch’s hair was hot with those sexy layers going on it made no sense in the middle of a conversation about how the car was driving.

While looking at a car with no power windows, mirrors, or locks.... "I prefer not to have power. If you ever happen to fall in water (God Forbid) then you can just crank the window down and you wont have to worry about power." Not sure about ya’ll but my purchasing a car isn’t normally based on if we’re going to drive into a lake or not.

Same car.... "you don’t need power mirrors, once you set them one time you never have to change them again so power doesn’t even make sense for mirrors."

Same car again (they were really trying to sell the no power thing) Rolling down the window at the fast food place will help to burn off some of the calories.

While looking at the engine of the car... "I don’t know where the oil filter is but since you’ll be bringing it here for service you don’t need to know that. Right?" Good selling point there!

The New Car Buying Experience - Part 1

I’m sitting here at my desk pondering the purchase Bitches and I made last night. A new Subaru Forester. I’m sure she will write a blog about the vehicle so I will tackle the task of telling you the true story of our trials and tribulations with getting a new car.

Before purchasing a new car we did our homework. We looked around and checked the internet. Decided on the price we could afford and what we were willing to pay. We narrowed down our choices and were all set to do some test driving. Then came the "recommendations" from friends. To start, we liked recommendations. People that know us and listened to what we wanted gave us good ideas. I especially have one "car guy" friend who explained a lot to me and we have a couple other friends that suggested things right up our alley, but as with most things people took it as a time to recommend what they want. Their dreams. Here are a couple of the suggestions and my replies to them.


1. Get a Big Ass Suburban, Commander, or anything else that’s bigger then a house and can run over other cars (and also gets 10 MPG). When I said that wasn’t for me I was asked (no joke) "What, is that to much car for you?" My reply..... My penis is the perfect size for me and Bitches. I don’t need to drive around showing off my extension. If I wanted an extension I’d go buy the elephant sleeve (look it up ladies. If your man is a little on the ... well.... little side he could use it.)

2. Get a sports car or convertible. My reply.... I am not having a mid life crises, I won't be driving down the road with John Gossling scoping out 20 year old girls who have daddy issues or gold diggers. I need something practical not something Guido with the hairy chest and all the bling would drive. On a side note, have any of ya’ll ever seen a guy pull up beside you in a sports car and you thought to yourself that car is so hot I think I’ll jump in the front seat and have sex with him? Just taking a poll here.

3. Get a luxury car. My reply... We cant afford it. I like food and my wife must purchase every twilight doll and magazine she sees. Since New Moon is coming out I figure she will only have more Edward dolls to purchase.

The next installment of this post will be about the sales tactics used at the dealership. Stay tuned.

Separated at birth?

Where were You on 7/22/2009

Today is a sad day.

I come to you with a heavy heart because a beloved entertainer has died. One who crossed the generational gap to draw in fans both young and old. No I am not talking about Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, Ed McMahon, or Farah Fawcett. I am talking about The Taco Bell Dog. This dog, Gidget, was a sweet innocent dog who only wanted to make people aware of the tasty treats at taco bell. At the age of 15, Gidget had a stroke and went to doggie heaven. Well, actually she went to the farmhouse in the country that all dogs get to go to. Now she will have a huge yard to play and run around in. Enjoy Gidget, you have brought happiness to so many people. We will remember you and this day always in our hearts.

Yo Queiro Taco Bell Gidget, Yo Quiero Taco Bell.

I shall be stopping on my way home to pay homage to Gidget at the nearest taco bell to my house.

Bitches and Firecrotch

After watching the enjoyment and fun Bitches and Firecrotch have had with blogging over at http://webiteprettyhard.blogspot.com I decided it was my duty to throw my hat in the ring. Take a stab at it. Put my best foot forward. My goal is to educate the masses while at the same time throwing in some comedy. I promise I will not bust on twilight to hard.